"I've gone on a gin and tonic diet. I've lost two days already!"

Charles Dickens goes into a bar: "I'd like a martini, please."
Bartender: "Certainly, sir. Olive or twist?"

A kangaroo goes into a bar and orders a gin and tonic.
Bartender: "Its £15...I must say, we don't see many kangaroos in here."
Kangaroo: "I'm not surprised. Fifteen quid for a gin and tonic!"

"Do you drink gin, Phil?"
'What else can you do with it?'

A motorist was stopped by a traffic patrol and informed by the sergeant he had been travelling at ninety miles per hour.
'Nothing of the sort, sergeant,' snorted the man, 'It was only fifty.'
'You were doing ninety'.
'I tell you I was doing fifty,' shouted the man.
At which point his wife interjected,'No use arguing with him officer. He's always like this when he's had a few drinks'.

Man: 'Do you serve women in this bar?'
Barman: 'No sir, you have to bring your own.'

Ted: 'Every time I get a bad cold I buy a bottle of gin, and take it home. Within an hour it's completely gone.'
Paul: 'What, the cold?'
Ted: 'No, the gin.'